


Therapy

by thefamouscookieeater17



Category: K-On!
Genre: Angst, Depression, F/F, Implied/Referenced Suicide
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-12-05
Updated: 2015-12-05
Packaged: 2018-05-05 04:25:07
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,506
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5361314
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thefamouscookieeater17/pseuds/thefamouscookieeater17
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Ritsu and Mio dated for three years. They have broken up for six months now; but Ritsu is just not capable of moving on, so Tsumugi makes her go see a therapist. What does really happen when you love someone so much you get swallowed by your own feelings?</p>
            </blockquote>





	Therapy

**Author's Note:**

> Hi! I hope you like this short story. I wrote this a year ago and it was my frist work in 5 years of no writing at all.  
> Ritsu may seem a bit OOC, but considering the scenario I just couldn't imagine a cheerful and energetic Ritsu.

Ritsu was calmly sitting in the waiting room reading one of the old gossip magazines left there. The life of Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie would seem very interesting if it wouldn't be for the fact that the article was almost three years old.  
She glanced at her watch; the therapist was late. For some reason, she let Tsumugi convince her she should attend one of Doctor Itsuki's consultations in order to "overcome some obstacles", as her friend had said.  
It was true Ritsu had been in a bad place since her relationship with Mio ended after three years of being together; however, she highly doubted coming to the appointment would make any difference to her current state.  
Twenty minutes later, Doctor Itsuki arrived and called her in. It was a normal room with simple, yet expensive furniture to adorn the place. Ritsu knew for sure she wouldn't have the money to afford such a thing; but since Tsumugi offered to pay, she decided to give what she called a nonsense a try.

"Good afternoon. I'm sorry about my delay, I was stuck in traffic. I'm Doctor Itsuki Hanao." He glanced at Ritsu. "I'm guessing you must be Tainaka Ritsu, Kotobuki-Oujousama's friend."

"Good afternoon, Sir. Yes, I am." They shook hands. The Doctor asked her to lie on the couch as he sat on the poltroon right in front. Only Tsumugi would put her in such a cliché situation, she thought.

"Shall we begin? Let's start by talking a little bit about yourself. Name. Age. Gender."

"Tainaka Ritsu. Twenty-three. No one's business but people tend to think I identify as female and I don't bother to explain harder dynamics."

"Hum, I see." He was scribbling on his notebook. "What are your hobbies and favorite activities?"

"I love playing drums which I have been doing since middle school. I also enjoy watching movies and reading manga. That sort of thing."

"Friends. How are your social relations?"

"Pretty good, I'd say. I have a group of close friends which Kotobuki-san is a part of."

"How are the dynamics of the group? Do you hang out a lot? Go to parties?"

"The group is amazing. We have known each other since high school and we go out for coffee and dinners all the time. Parties are a recent activity."

"School life. How are you doing in that department?"

"I'm half way through my last year of college and things are going as expected of me. I was never one to study much, so my grades are simply average."

"I see. Lets approach a more personal matter now, if I may. Are you sexually active? If so for how long have you been?"

"Yes, I am. It started three years ago but I haven't been active for at least six months." The Doctor wrote so much on his notebook Ritsu started to think he was just making random drawings. "Why so many questions? If I may ask. They seem rather random."

"From the moment I saw you outside I could tell that Kotobuki-san was right when she said you see this as a waste of time. You don't believe in the power of therapy but I'd like to challenge you to give it a chance and book a second appointment for the end of this week in which we will have twice as much time than today."

Ritsu took a minute to think about it and decided to take the challenge. She booked the second appointment and waited to see where it would take her.  
She wasn't really sure why she was going back; truth was she didn't have much left to do and this way she would have a reason to leave the apartment.  
The rest of the week went by as expected: home-classes-home-television-wandering through old memories-sleeping. Always the same vicious cycle.  
Sitting in the waiting room, Ritsu wondered why would a fancy place like that have so little investments in entertainment. "Maybe they are too snoby to care", she thought.  
Doctor Itsuki arrived a little bit earlier than planned. They walked in and as before Ritsu lied on the couch and he sat on the poltroon.

"Well, how are we feeling today? How was your week, Tainaka-san?"

"It was alright. Just the routine I described on the email I sent you, Doc." Doctor Itsuki had emailed her asking a few more questions to prepare today's session. He started to write on his notebook.

"Okay. I took a note of something you said in your email that I found curious when I asked about your routine. You said you «wandered through old memories» before sleeping, may I ask what memories are those?"

"Well, they're just memories." As the Doctor noticed a brief moment of spacing out from Ritsu, he wrote on his notebook. 

"I see. Last time, you told me you hadn't been sexually active for six months now. Why is that?" He had a serious expression that turned softer as he puzzled some things in his head.

"I was in a relationship. It ended and I haven't been with anyone else ever since." Ritsu's voice sounded empty and lonely rather than sad.

"Were you satisfied with your sex life, Tainaka-san?"

"Yes, very much." Her voice sounded now a bit sadder than expected. It was probably the memories attached to such simple words and the Doctor seemed to grasp that somehow. "That was never an issue."

"What do you think was the issue?" The Doctor's voice was smooth and calm.

"I'm not sure. I still can't figure that out but I'm guessing I was. From where I stand it seems that I always found a way to screw things up."

"We have to address this issue deeper, because a case is a case but my experience tells me that whenever a relationship ends it's usually the whole party's fault. There's no point in taking responsibility for certain events that are beyond our control. Tainaka-san, I want to give you a little assignment for next time before we expand the length of our sessions. I want you to use some of your free time and write letters. Write as many as you wish saying whatever you feel like saying. Just keep in mind a little detail: imagine they are all addressed to your ex-lover."

Ritsu lied in bed that night with a notebook in one hand and a pen in the other. She had absolutely no idea what to write. It was like she had all these feelings and thoughts built up inside her that she just couldn't put into words.  
Ritsu took a glance at the window: it had started to rain heavily outside and she lost herself in the sound of the pouring water against the glass.

"If I were to ever write you a letter, I guess I would have to start at the beginning and explain everything that has gotten me here. I guess I would have to start by telling you that I always treasured our friendship above anything else. That you were my best friend and the person I cared for the most.  
I know that throughout our lives I made my mistakes. I think I never showed you my true feelings enough times and I can only blame myself for that.  
I guess that when I tried to reach you after our break up, it was only because I truly believed everything could be fixed. That we had the strength to fight our demons and send them away; but the moment I looked into your eyes I realized you didn't want to fight anymore. I realized a very scary thing: the person that had loved me and that I had loved for so long was nowhere to be found inside you. You locked that person in a box that you threw away. I became a washed up memory and you wore a new skin with a new smile.  
I guess I’ve drowned myself in pity and endless sorrow from the moment you left.  
I guess I should have moved on already.  
I guess I shouldn't be holding on to ghosts that will never return.  
I guess these are all guessings but one thing I could never have guessed: how much I am capable of loving you."

Ritsu settled the notebook on the ground and took a minute to catch up to herself. Her mind was running a thousand miles per hour.  
She stood up from the bed and walked up to the desk. She opened a drawer taking a few pictures from inside. Standing in the middle of the room, a couple tears falling, she glanced through the old pictures of her loved one. She had thousands and thousands of them everywhere around the house: hanging in the walls, on the stands, on the mirrors, etc.  
Ritsu was studying to become a professional photographer and Mio was her favorite muse. She would follow the shy girl around with the camera in hand capturing every movement - every expression - of the black haired girl. Mio hated this kind of attention because she was just too shy - deep inside Ritsu always hoped she'd realize that was her way of showing affection.  
She didn't want to say anything to Doctor Itsuki, but one of her latest hobbies was painting and drawing Mio over and over again. It was sort of an obsession, so wherever she looked now her ex-lovers face would be staring back at her: sometimes in paintings; sometimes in drawings; sometimes in photographs.  
The studio area of the apartment had been a total mess for months. She had been working on a portrait of her loved one on the wall; however, sometimes she would snap, burst into tears, boil with rage, write on the remaining walls and spread the ink all over the place.  
The studio was now a mix of Mio's face in one of the walls, writings all over the other ones and splashes of ink on the floor. She sure had her own particular way of dealing with pain.

***

A pale sunlight was shining through the clouds right into Ritsu's eyes. She felt herself waking up slowly. Taking a glance at the phone she suddenly remembered: it was Mio's 24th birthday.  
"Hey, Mugi-chan! Today is Mio's birthday and I was wandering if there was any chance I could just pass by wherever you guys will be tonight to say Hi or something." She texted Tsumugi who quickly replied: "I don't think it would be a good idea for you to stop by. It's not going to do you any good. I'm almost sure Haruki-san is going to be there and I don't think Mio wants to see you, Ricchan. However, it is still your decision in the end. We will be at the usual place around 8 p.m."  
Ritsu stared sadly at the phone's screen. She knew what the answer would be, she just foolishly hoped for something else. This would be the first birthday Mio and her would be apart since the day they met in kindergarten. She thought a lot about what Tsumugi said and still decided to go anyways.  
It was raining cats and dogs. Ritsu put some pants on, a pair of sneakers and a hoodie on top. She just wanted to get there, wish Mio a happy birthday and then return home. However, things did not go as planned. She was standing outside the Restaurant under the heavy rain simply starring inside incapable of moving. Mio seemed extremely happy with Nakao Haruki-san; sharing good laughs with all their old friends. Everyone seemed to be having the time of their lives.  
She looked at her own reflection on the window glass. "I should go home", Ritsu started to walk back as her tears mixed with the rain drops.  
The girl took up her hair in a ponytail and stayed all night awake working on Mio's portrait until she fell asleep on the floor from exhaustion. 

***

There she was once more. The boring waiting room was now starting to feel familiar in a very strange way and so did the feeling of lying on that couch. Ritsu had been seeing Doctor Itsuki for a month.

"Tainaka-san, lets approach your previous relationship once more. You told me you dated Akiyama Mio for three years and that you have broken up for half a year now. When was the last time you saw Miss Akiyama?"

"A couple of weeks ago. It was her birthday. We didn't talk; I just kind of stood still staring from the distance. I couldn't bring myself to approach her." Ritsu sighed remembering her foolish being standing under the cold rain.

“I see.” The Doctor stared at his notebook for a while. "Is there any possibility for you to stay over at a friend's house for a little time?"

"I don't think so. Exams are almost here and as soon as spring break starts everyone will be returning home."

"It would do you some good to be away for a while, Tainaka-san. Can't you go home as well?"

***

That night, Mio and Haruki had a terrible car accident. He died on the spot; Mio, however, was left hanging on to machines for a week until her heart fully stopped on its own.

_The other day somebody asked me: «Can't you go home?» and I felt like laughing. Not because it was funny, but because it was sad - I realized I don't have a home. You were my home._  
When you left all that remained was a bunch of over expensive walls and furniture that were dead. I guess in a way they did reflect my state.  
I tried painting and drawing your face in order to perpetuate the little details only my touch could feel; but how can a simple mortal like me reproduce such a heavenly made creature? Those abilities are beyond my condition. I'm just a bag of bones dragging around its own existence long enough to see you blossom into your most perfect figure.  
I have to be honest with you: my demons have been eating me inside. I can't control them anymore. I feel like they run freely in my body and in my mind. People say I should be scared; but the moments in which they take control are the most beautiful ones: I sketch your lines as if my fingers were touching your figure and for a second I can feel you in your all and it's so magical.  
Don't get me wrong, I just don't want your memory to vanish. I don't want us to vanish. __

___Ritsu stared at her own work. It was finished._  
Mio's delicate traits were marked on that wall for everyone to see. She passed her fingers through the image and she felt as if she was touching her beloved one.  
Eyes closed. Flashes and fragments of memories were scattered right in front of her.  
It all rushed out with the waves as she saw her loved one standing in the most perfect of figures. 

**Author's Note:**

> I hope you enjoyed it. Please, do let me know your thoughts on the story. Thank you so much for your time!


End file.
